Trusting myself has always been a complicated process for me. Self-honesty and trusting oneself go hand in hand, though I am not sure they are the same thing. It's most difficult to trust myself when being honest feels like an excuse. This happens when "being honest" would mean slowing down, taking a break, or changing course.
I’ve found that excuses are like termites, meticulously gnawing at the foundation until eventually the whole structure collapses. Once you snooze an alarm once it's much easier to do it the next time. Like an addiction pathway, these excuses can reward us in the short-term and penalize us later.
I've believed being mindful of this slippery slope would be the trick, but it's quite hard to tell if you're being honest—truly honest. I know this because of the mental battles I've waged on hard bike rides or long study sessions. If I were "honest" with myself, I would’ve stopped early. As with anything in life, the problem is defined on a spectrum and balance is the pursuit. Some "excuses" are useful, even necessary.
In the past year I have related aspirations to athletics and in this case, failing to reduce training load or intensity, can lead to diminished returns and injury. These consequences require more time at a slower pace to recover. Taking a break is helpful, but I am worried it can be addicting—not everything should be easy. We grow outside our comfort zones; we build muscle by breaking it down first; we find our limits by testing them.
Building this mechanism of discernment--knowing when to trust yourself is comically, a problem of trusting yourself. This vicious paradox creates the nauseating feeling of being swung in circles. Through exercise and learning, I am slowly and painstakingly building a ruler to use when the problem arrises.